How's My Driving?
by Ceres The Unknown Angel
Summary: WINNER OF NOM CON '11'S FANFIC CONTEST!: Prince Noctis Lucis Caelum was a car person, but there was one problem with Noctis and his relationship with his automobile: He couldn't drive it


**-From the Notebook of an Angel-**

**Hello!**

**This is a fic I submitted to a competition to the anime convention Nom-Con's fanfiction competition. I worked very hard on it, right up to the deadline (quite literally, I emailed it at 11:45 on the day it closed) and unfortunately I the computer I finished it on had no spell check, so I submitted it with a few errors…Hopefully, the judges will look past that and just enjoy the story, as I hope you will now ^_^**

**How's My Driving?**

In this world, there are bike people, and there are car people.

Prince Noctis Lucis Caelum was a car person.

From an early age, he doodled pictures of shiny cars on his school copybooks (much to the annoyance of his teachers) and when he reached the tender age of 14, he begged, pleaded and cried with his parents to buy him his very own car. After much debate in the Caelum household, his parents gave in on his 15th birthday and bought him his very own beautiful sleek black car. And oh how he loved that car.

Christened the "Noctismobile", he treated it as if it were his own child; getting up early each to weekend to commence the tasks of washing its metallic black exterior, vacuuming the carpeted floor in case heaven forbid anyone (Prompto, the regardless asshole) dropped crumbs inside, shining the leather seats and polishing the door paneling's and dashboard with loving, albeit obsessive, care. He would then sit in it for hours, playing with features, flicking on and off switches, adjusting the seat positions, putting the electric windows up and down and up and down. Often, he would just sitting with his hands gripping the wheel with an expression of childish glee and pride. Or sometimes, when he thought no-one was around, he would even pretend to himself he was driving, and would make car noises and stage imaginary conversations with toll booth operators and the people that worked at the windows in the Drive-Through's of fast-food restaurants. Oh yes, he loved that car.

But there was one problem with Noctis and his relationship with his automobile.

He couldn't drive it.

One day King Caelum took Ignis aside; his tactician advisory and Noctis's childhood friend, and confessed to him the extent of just how bad his son's driving skills were. He pleaded with him to keep the prince as far away from the wheel of the car as possible, by any means necessary. Noctis was never told of this, and he didn't seem to mind or notice in the slightest that he hardly got to drive his beauty. He relished any time he got to spend in the car, even riding in the back seat. Ignis likened the bright-eyed expression of his friend to an excited puppy. He often half-expected Noctis to stick his head out the window with his tongue hanging out.

It wasn't that Noctis lacked the ability to turn on and operate a car. In theory, he could do it all. But in practice, he was a horrible driver. Gladiolus, Prompto and Ignis himself dreaded the occasional times when the prince requested to take a turn at the wheel. Although deep in his heart, Noctis knew that his driving skills left a lot to be desired, he would still turn to his terrified companions at their destination after a car ride from hell and ask them, with his big pleading puppy dog eyes, how his driving was?

"Great!" Gladiolus would respond heartily, while at the same time clutching the religious pendant around his neck and praying feverish thanks to be alive. "You've really improved!"

"Yeah, real smooth. Much better than last time" a very green in the face Prompto would reply, trying not to heave the contents of his stomach out onto the leather seats, or that would mean a painful and drawn out death ala Noctis.

Ignis would not respond, only smile weakly at his friend and give him a thumbs up. Noctis would smile warmly at each of them in a satisfied way and get out of the car, humming to himself.

"Crap!" Gladiolus gasped, tearing at his thick black hair after another horrifying car ride to the city centre in the back seat. "I think I left my spleen back on 5th avenue!"

Ignis covered his eyes with his hands. "Oh sweet goddess…I think my heart stopped on that last bend…"

Prompto said nothing, but turned green in the face and jumped out of the car to vomit.

"Don't puke on the wheels!" Gladiolus shouted out the window.

"Got it" Prompto mumbled weakly.

"Ignis, get in the driver's seat now!" Gladiolus panted. "Please, for all our sakes!"

Ignis nodded, got out of the car and kicked the huddled, shivering form of Prompto who was curled in the fetal position. Prompto produced an unmanly squeak when the toe of Ignis's boot made contact with his kidneys.

Gladiolus breathed a sigh of relief when Ignis got into the driver's seat and started the car. Noctis retuned moments later and got into the car smiling to himself. "What's up with him?" he asked, jerking his thumb out the window towards Prompto, who was lying groaning on the sidewalk like a beached whale.

"He ate some bad fish for lunch" Gladiolus lied "He has a sensitive stomach, y'know…"

"So, what were you doing?" Ignis asked; keen to change the subject and giving Prompto a "you-disgust-me" look as he got into the car.

"I was in the Department of Motor Vehicles" Noctis said with a secretive look "I was applying for my driving test…"

There was a horrible, agonizing silence between the three men as their collective worst nightmare suddenly became harsh, cruel reality. Noctis glanced at each of them in turn awkwardly, the atmosphere in the car thick enough to cut with a knife. "Well…I only have a half-license, and that means I have to drive on Ignis's license…And since you guys told me that I'd improved a lot…I thought it would be a good idea to, y'know…get my…own…" he trailed off, and coughed into his hand. "So what do you guys think?"

"That's…that's great, eh guys?" Ignis said tentatively, nodding to the other's to agree.

There was mumbles of feeble approval from the others. It was not because they feared the prince; not at all, it was merely to spare their friend's feelings.

Later that night, after Noctis had gone to sleep, the three others anxiously debated what to do about their friend's idea to get his license.

"The DMV guys'll have to give it to him," Ignis bemoaned miserably "Would you tell the son of the king that his driving is no use?"

"Well, we've been avoiding that little minefield for some time now…" Prompto sighed into his hands. "Besides, they'll probably be scared shitless when he pulls up in that fancy beamer with the sword racks in the boot…"

"That's 'cause they don't know him," Gladiolus chuckled "They've never seen him try to open a new bottle of ketchup. Pathetic-ness at its finest."

Ignis took his glasses off and rubbed his temples, deep in thought. He was the thinker, the planner, the one who usually came up with the schemes and battle plans. But he couldn't think of a single way to prevent this train-wreck. Or…car-wreck, to be precise.

"Well, it's not like we can go down there and make sure he fails it, can we?" Prompto grumbled.

"I think Prompto might have been on to something there…" Gladiolus said, stroking his chin in a thoughtful manner.

"Really?" Prompto exclaimed brightly, then added in a lower voice "Uh, yeah, 'course I did…What was it again?"

"Sabotage" Gladiolus said, grinning to both of the other men.

"Sabotage…" Ignis said, a smile on his face "I like it"

"But how?" Prompto asked.

"We'll just see what we can do…" Gladiolus said

The next day, Ignis drove the way to the Department of Motor Vehicles testing centre. Noctis was excited, and kept fidgeting. "Hey, Ignis" he said when they arrived "I guess this is the last time you'll be driving me around!"

"Yeah" Ignis replied nervously. "With luck"

"With luck, the examiner will have a heart attack…" Prompto muttered darkly, earning him a slap from Gladiolus as they got out of the car.

"Okay," said Noctis "You guys wait out here, and I'll go meet my examiner"

When Noctis was well out of view, the three others opened the boot to reveal a crowbar, red spray-paint and a pair of pliers. "If Noctis's car is wrecked, then he can't take his test, right?" Ignis said, doling out the necessary equipment.

"He'll be so freaked out when he sees this, he'll probably go catatonic" Prompto giggled, shaking the spray can.

"We do this because we love him," Gladiolus said, opening the hood of the car and snipping a few wires at random "Still; I hope he doesn't die of shock or something. That would be unfortunate."

Ignis twirled the crowbar in his hand. "Are you sure this is the right thing to do?" he anxiously asked the others.

"God damn it, man, we don't have time for this! It's either we let him pass this or we endure almost dying on the way to work every day!" Prompto shouted, snatching the crowbar and smashing every window in the car. He then turned on the windshield with a roar.

"Take off the steering wheel and hide it!"

"Roll that wheel over there behind the bushes!"

"Spray that door red!"

"There…" Ignis said, stepping back to admire their handiwork "It…is done"

All the windows in the car were now reduced to splintered glass, the magnificent paint job now ruined by patches of red graffiti, the body of the car dented and scratched with two of the wheels taken off for good measure, and the engine reduced to a jumble of greasy wires.

The "Noctismobile" was no more.

"Wait!" Ignis cried "Isn't he going to think there's something up if we just let someone come over and wreck his car?" The other's nodded in agreement.

"It has to look like someone roughed one of us up" Gladiolus said "A black eye, or something"

They glanced awkwardly at each other, deciding which way to settle it. "Rock-paper-scissors?" Prompto suggested. The three men threw in their hands, and Prompto cursed.

"Damn, why do I always loose?" he pouted

"It's because you always pick rock" Ignis deadpanned, holding the blonde's hands behind his back "Now, Gladiolus, smash his face. Maybe knock him out." Prompto squirmed violently, and then in a very high voice, squeaked "Oh, guys look! They're not coming over!"

The three men watched in horror as Noctis and the examiner got into a small green city car. "No!" Ignis spluttered "It can't be!"

"All that for nothing!" Prompto cried "I almost lost my face because of this!"

Gladiolus slapped him in the back of the head anyway. "Will you shut up about your face? Do you know what this means? The idiot's going to get his license anyway now, and there's nothing we can do about it!"

"I can't watch…" Ignis moaned, sitting down with his head in his hands. "I…I can't believe this…"

He was soon joined by the two others, as they watched their worst nightmare unfold.

However, thirty seconds after the test started, the car swerved and crashed into the side wall of the Department of Motor Vehicles head office, and there was simultaneous wincing all around. The examiner jumped from the car, and smacked young Noctis over the head with his clipboard when he helpfully tried to put out the flames on his jacket.

"That DMV guy doesn't look too happy, does he?" Gladiolus remarked.

"He's kinda red in the face," Prompto commented "Can you make out what he's saying?"

"No, but I can lip-read some of the stuff he's shouting" Ignis replied, tilting his head to the side.

"What is it then?" Prompto asked

"Kid, you do NOT wanna know…" Ignis sighed.

The examiner stamped away from Noctis, leaving the defeated looking prince to walk back to his friends. "Crap!" Gladiolus exclaimed, rushing to cove the wreckage with the others.

"So how'd it go?" Prompto asked, rather too brightly.

"I failed" he said miserably. "I can't believe it… He said I was the worst driver he'd ever seen in his whole life!"

"Well, better luck next time, eh?" Gladiolus consoled

Noctis shook his head sadly "No…He said I'd never get my licenses so long as he was alive…"

The others shook their heads and tutted.

"I guess that means you'll still have to drive me around I guess…" Noctis pouted.

"Yeah…" Ignis said awkwardly "I guess…But, I hear that walking is the new driving! Why don't we walk home?"

Noctis laughed hollowly. He hadn't _walked_ anywhere since Ignis could drive. "Don't be silly, let's just get in the car and go…" He then stopped dead. He froze, an expression of pure horror on his face. "Guys," he chocked "What happened…to my car?"

"Hey now, let's not go jumping to any conclusions!" Gladiolus said, inching back from the car.

"There is a very reasonable, logical explanation to this" Ignis said, following after him.

"Okay then…" Noctis said "Let's hear it…" The prince's shoulders were shaking with rage.

"Well...it's very simple..." Ignis groped for words

"PROMPTO DID IT!" Gladiolus cried, and pushed Prompto down onto his knees in front of the enraged owner of the former car. The prince turned his anger induced red eyed gaze towards the unfortunate blonde with a look that said "I-will-murder-you-slowly-and-painfully". Prompto squealed as thirteen swords appeared from nowhere and seemed to be pointed towards his manhood.

Ignis and Gladiolus sprinted from the scene of the crime with uncharacteristic speed with the sounds of Prompto's pathetic begging echoing in their ears.

"That was close" Gladiolus wheezed.

"Hey, it could've been a whole lot worse. Imagine if he actually passed!" Ignis puffed. Both men grimaced at the thought.

"I guess everything worked out okay then" Gladiolus smiled.

"I guess so..." Ignis smiled back.

Suddenly, the Department of Motor Vehicles was engulfed by an eruption of flame, and a scream of "YOU DID WHAT TO MY CAR?" could be heard throughout the city.

"I'm sure he'll get over it" Ignis said "I mean, it's just a car..."

"Maybe he'll get a girlfriend or something!" Gladiolus said. They began to laugh at this suggestion.

"Yeah right! He'll get his driver's license before that happens!"

_**~The End~**_

**-From the Notebook of an Angel-**

**Thanks for reading! Hope that you enjoyed it! Feedback would be appreciated!**

**Regards,**

**Ceres**

**xXx**


End file.
